I’m officially announcing my candidacy for President of the United States as the founding and – as of right now – sole member of the Get Shit Done (GSD) Party.
Why are you laughing and rolling your eyes? I’m fucking serious.
“That’s a ridiculous name for a party!” you exclaim.
Really? Why? The name speaks directly to the organization’s intent: Getting. Shit (or Stuff, if “shit” offends you). Done. What does “Republican Party” or “Democratic Party” say? Nothing. You could as easily name them the Elephant and Donkey Parties and it would mean just as much. Or as little.
“Okay, okay,” you say. “Fair point. But you’re not qualified to be President.”
Au contraire! I am EMINENTLY qualified. Dig this: the Constitution lists only three qualifications:
1. Must be at least 35 years of age. I’m 59. Check!
2. Must be a natural born citizen. I was born in Maryland. Check!
3. Must have lived in the United States for at least 14 years. I’ve lived on U.S. soil my entire life. Check!
That’s literally it, my friend. But I have some other qualifications, too:
- I’m not bought and paid for by anyone and will never be a “politician.”
- I care about people, including those outside my demographic, tribe, etc.
- I served in the military and in the U.S. Government for nearly 30 years.
- I believe in accountability and responsibility, especially for those in positions of authority.
- I’m willing to listen to people smarter than me, ask pointed questions, and make informed decisions.
- I don’t want to leave the country and the world as a huge dumpster fire for our kids.
- I love animals.
I could probably scrape together some more, but I figure that’s enough to get started.
Further, consider some of our previous Presidents. You can be on “either side of the aisle” and legitimately point fingers at Presidents on the other side as not being the brightest or most capable bulbs on the tree. And look at some of our esteemed members of Congress (on BOTH sides) whose best entry in their resume if they had to find real work would be “grifting oxygen thief.”
Being President doesn’t mean you have to be the smartest person in the room or know everything. But it does require legitimately caring for the country and its people and being smart enough to find and listen to brilliant people (and I’m thinking more street smart than book smart) who can help figure out how to fix some of this crap. I’ve got those boxes checked.
“Well, okay, fine. You had me at the ‘I love animals’ part, anyway. But you cuss like a sailor!”
Yes, I do. Why? My dad served in the U.S. Navy. So did his father. I have sailor’s blood in my veins, even if I chose to join the Army. And since neither my dad nor his father cussed much at all, I have two generations to make up for. And in times as fucked up as these, the least we have to worry about is foul language. Look around: some of the people who never utter a single dirty word in public are the most vile.
“Okay, wise ass, *technically* you’re qualified – along with millions of other people – but you’re not a Democrat or Republican, so there’s no reason to vote for you.”
Well, about that: you do realize that neither the Democratic nor Republican Parties are in the Constitution or are part of government, right? Right? They’re literally private organizations founded in the mid-1800s by rich white men to…gasp…promote the interests of rich white men (I’m a white guy, but I’m not rich and I despise the white patriarchy/oligarchy). The two parties rake in tremendous amounts of money – $4 BILLION between the two of them in the 2020 general election cycle – from sucker voters and rich donors, vying for your market share (votes and dollars). They’re ostensibly non-profits, but if you believe there’s not a lot of profiteering going on, you need to come up for air once in a while, my friend.
But let’s get back to the WHY you should consider voting for me. And I want to make it clear that I’m not going to beg or buy your vote: I want you to vote for me if you think I could do the job and what I have to offer is what you want. If not, vote as you please. That’s SUPPOSED to be what democracy is about: voting FOR someone, not voting for the candidate you can’t stand the least.
“Okay, fine. I’m listening, for entertainment purposes if nothing else.”
Good. First and foremost, I’m not going to make a bunch of hollow promises and blow a bunch of smoke up your ass. I will make you ONE PROMISE and ONE ONLY: that I will do everything in my power and use every resource of the Executive Branch to substantively and tangibly improve the lives of the American people (that would be YOU). And note that by “people” I mean real flesh and blood human beings, not fucking corporations.
“What does that mean, ‘substantively and tangibly improve’?”
Good question! By that, I mean things that positively impact the lives of workaday Americans, as directly and rapidly as possible. I know many things can’t be done quickly, and I’d have people focusing on those, too. But the main thing is that I want to get done what YOU need done to improve YOUR life as quickly as possible and put out at least some of the flames in this dumpster fire.
I have a long, long list of things I would like to accomplish and goals I would like to achieve. As President, I can do some of those on my own (and I will gather members of the cabinet and advisors who can figure out every trick in the book to do them), but will need YOUR support to pressure Congress into doing what YOU want. This is key. I will absolutely call them out on every bit of their bullshit, but YOU have to hold them accountable, as well.
These are just a FEW examples from that list, not necessarily in any particular order, as the Federal Government can do many things at once (even if it often doesn’t seem like it). So if you don’t see ones you want, there’s a good chance they’re on my master GSD list, but I’m always open to suggestions (another thing I would do as President is LISTEN to you, and act as best I can in your interests). I also make no claim to knowing how to solve everything that’s fucked up, nor will I be able to unfuck everything. But I’ll find smart people who intimately understand those problems and have ideas for solutions so we can get as much done as possible.
So, here are some of the planks in my platform:
– Make averting climate catastrophe a Manhattan Project-level priority.
– Restructure/reform the DOJ and FBI and appoint an Attorney General and FBI Director interested in truly seeing equal justice for all, regardless of wealth or status to safeguard the rights of Americas, particularly in states where rights are now being routinely violated.
– Do all I can to protect and extend voting rights.
– Transform ICE into a tool to go after white supremacy and domestic terror organizations.
– Fire every official in CDC, FDA, and HHS appointed by any previous administration and replace them with people who actually give a damn about public health, then listen to them instead of corporate hacks.
– Implement a comprehensive national bio-safety strategy that will include detailed surveillance of disease of concern, free and accurate testing, new air quality standards for all communal buildings, new vaccines, massive and accelerated research into and deployment of antivirals and treatments for chronic disease, and global outreach to help defeat diseases globally as a component of our national security strategy.
– Bring every possible resource to bear to solve the housing crisis.
– Do everything possible to blunt the impact of the overturning of Roe v Wade by our illegitimate SCOTUS (plus hold THEM accountable – see above for DOJ and FBI) and help Americans regain dominion over their own bodies.
– Do everything possible to curb the gun massacres of our children and fellow Americans.
– Attempt to shame Congress into repealing the Bush and Trump tax cuts, increase the tax rates to reflect what they were in the 1950s to 1970s to put a fairer burden on the wealthy and corporations, and impose a steep wealth tax (we really don’t need billionaires, do we?).
– Shame Congress (I’d be doing a LOT of that) into passing a law banning stock trading by members of Congress and their families.
– Forgive every penny of student loan debt that’s legally possible, and lobby Congress to forgive it all and eliminate interest on student loans.
– Have a rapid zero-base review of our defense requirements and the DOD budget, with the goal to reduce it by a minimum of 30% and divert those funds into our communities.
– Refocus DOD from “war” to “defense” and stop bombing the shit out of everyone as a first resort; I’ll only send our troops into harm’s way if I would be willing to send my own sons (that’s a pretty high bar).
– Hold states accountable for the use of Federal money: no more bullshit like building sports stadiums or paying for cops with COVID relief money.
– Lobby for statehood for D.C. and Puerto Rico.
– Close the Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp and attempt to renegotiate the ridiculous 1903 lease agreement for Naval Station Guantanamo Bay.
– Reorganize/refocus the IRS from auditing working Americans to going after rich and shameless tax dodgers.
– Review and streamline Federal regulations to ease the burdens on small businesses and farms to protect consumers without crushing the producers under red tape.
– Nationalize the railroads (NO MORE disasters like East Palestine!).
– Strike cannabis is from the DEA drug schedule. Entirely.
– Terminate all funding for and contracts with for-profit prisons, as well as terminating funding for police forces and redirecting those efforts into community support programs.
– Send in the Army Corps of Engineers to fix Flint, Michigan’s water, and bully Congress into funding the rest of what’s needed to upgrade America’s water supplies, including those for citizens of the Tribal Nations who have no water (and/or other utilities) in their homes.
Edit: Things added to the list by readers:
- Overhauling Social Security Disability Insurance to get people the support they need QUICKLY and institute government accountability for anyone who suffers or dies while waiting.
Those are just a few.
I’d also be doing a LOT of public shaming of members of Congress for their grift and bullshit.
“But you have to work with them to get things done!”
Oh? How’s that panned out for us? Seriously, how has that worked out for regular Americans? Not too well, I’m afraid. I’m up for a new strategy: publicly give kudos to those members who do the right thing, and shame others for screwing over their constituents. Every damn day if need be. Most members of Congress now are corrupt grifters, even if they didn’t’ start out that way (if they don’t toe the party line – either by the DNC or RNC – they won’t get any party money), and they need to be called out for it in front of the voters. I’ll go so far as to urge voters to recall members of Congress who aren’t doing the right thing. And I’ll do the same regarding corporations, billionaires/oligarchs, etc.
I don’t know about you, but I’m TIRED of the shit that goes on, how corrupt our leaders are – and they do it in broad daylight. I can’t put an end to it myself as President, but I’ll sure as hell make sure YOU know about it and will be motivated to act.
And the last thing for now: neither I nor the Get Shit Done Party (current membership: 1) want your money. Donate your time, your talent, your voice, your support, and in the end provide your vote if you so choose – but don’t donate a single penny.
“But…but…how the heck can you get elected if you don’t shake us down for a couple billion dollars in campaign donations?”
Because it’s all about the VOTE, right? Not the grift. If you believe in what I and the GSD Party can do for you, spread the word. Spread it on social media. Spread it at work or school. Get out and canvass your neighborhoods. If you have access to local media, get on there and spread the word. Run for office yourself. Make it an organic movement BY regular Americans FOR regular Americans.
So, let’s Get Shit Done